It happened to Nancy. (autobiography)
I really have not determined how I feel about this book yet. It runs a complete toll on the emotions and it doesn't end the way the reader wants it to. This book is a memoir, a personally written diary, of a 14 year old girl by the name of Nancy. Nancy is a perfectly normal girl who is becoming interested in boys, dating, clothing, make-up, music, etc.
The story starts off when Nancy goes to a concert with a couple of friends and gets lost when a fight breaks out. She meets a guy who takes back to her house at the end of the night. Over the next couple of months, Nancy and the guy continue to keep in touch and start to form a relationship. One night when no one is home the guy rapes Nancy, leaves, and never returns. Nancy never tells anyone what happened until she finds out that she is HIV positive. When she tries to press criminal charges it turns out that the guy had used an alias, wasn't 18 but rather 24, and had given Nancy all false information.
Two years later, Nancy had moved away from her mom and dad and friends so that she would no longer burden them. At 16 Nancy died of AIDS.
I finished reading this book over a week ago and yet this girl (and many others who are like her) keep running through my mind. I can't imagine what Nancy went through as she battled her last two years of life. She had to deal with the trauma of a relationship going bad, being raped, keeping it secret, becoming sick for months on end with no diagnosis, finding out she was HIV positive (she didn't know what HIV or AIDS was when she was diagnosed), becoming constantly sick, having friends and family find out, having the school and other students finding out and teasing and avoiding her. Her family could no longer support her with her illness and had to move on with their lives while she knowingly faced a painful death.
While this story is extremely sad, if you want insight into what it might be like to be in this situation, it is a really good read. At times it is difficult to read because it is a diary and therefore often repetitive and with many grammar mistakes. It also has a very abrupt ending that is very dissatisfying but necessary.
It's the kind of story that continues to inspire me with my education so that I can one day help people like Nancy.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The only thing we can plan for in life is to be surprised
Lately I have found a lot of new surprises in my life.
I applied for a job as an educational assistant. It was kind of a long shot but the interviewer and I got along famously and I got the job instantly. While I had been looking for an opportunity to advance my career I was not in any hurry. It was quite stressful to suddenly have to tie up several loose ends at my old workplace, train a new employee to my position, and tell my fellow co-workers that I was leaving, which didn't quite work out the way I had envisioned. The worst part of this process was having to leave my clients. I got thank you cards, hugs, and many goodbyes. It was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. It seemed that after 8 short months I had formed a close bond with many of them and I am so greatful for the many lessons that each one of them has provided me.
And then it all began. I guess that with higher pay I should expect bigger challenges and more stress, but I really didn't see this coming. I thought "special needs" in the school system referred to people who have disorders such as autism, down syndrome, and other challenges. It was the "other challenges" that I didn't see coming. I'm working with several teenage boys who all have oppositional defiant disorder, which is the precurser to un-detected adulthood psychopathy. Thank goodness I have some confidence and ego otherwise I would have been reduced to tears in my first week (I'm on week two right now and still holding strong, although I did get slapped around a little today). I've now been called every name in the book, threatened, and challenged. Not to say that it is all bad. I actually sat down in a desk today and didn't have every student pick up their stuff and switch seats as though i had forgotten my deodorant. There is word that I might be offered a permanent position here....dear god don't let me say yes...
On a more positive note I am finding my life settling into a very nice little routine. I go to school and I'm home by 3pm. I have time for everything I want and need to get done and time for a social life. The last two weekends have been awesome because I have had the chance to go out with friends and never check the clock, never feel the need to get going, or get something done at a certain time. It's wonderful! I've even had time to sleep! I stayed in bed until noon on saturday! Someone new in my life is teaching me all about spontaneity, something I really kind of suck at, but I love it. We have spent time driving from one random place to another doing completely random things, enjoying the outdoors, going for hikes and dog walks, and coffees, and dinners, and going to parks to look at the stars. This pace of life is completely different from what I am used to. I really am surprised by this entire turn of events - and I'm loving each and every moment!
Now you have it - Plan as you may - but life has a whole other agenda
I applied for a job as an educational assistant. It was kind of a long shot but the interviewer and I got along famously and I got the job instantly. While I had been looking for an opportunity to advance my career I was not in any hurry. It was quite stressful to suddenly have to tie up several loose ends at my old workplace, train a new employee to my position, and tell my fellow co-workers that I was leaving, which didn't quite work out the way I had envisioned. The worst part of this process was having to leave my clients. I got thank you cards, hugs, and many goodbyes. It was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. It seemed that after 8 short months I had formed a close bond with many of them and I am so greatful for the many lessons that each one of them has provided me.
And then it all began. I guess that with higher pay I should expect bigger challenges and more stress, but I really didn't see this coming. I thought "special needs" in the school system referred to people who have disorders such as autism, down syndrome, and other challenges. It was the "other challenges" that I didn't see coming. I'm working with several teenage boys who all have oppositional defiant disorder, which is the precurser to un-detected adulthood psychopathy. Thank goodness I have some confidence and ego otherwise I would have been reduced to tears in my first week (I'm on week two right now and still holding strong, although I did get slapped around a little today). I've now been called every name in the book, threatened, and challenged. Not to say that it is all bad. I actually sat down in a desk today and didn't have every student pick up their stuff and switch seats as though i had forgotten my deodorant. There is word that I might be offered a permanent position here....dear god don't let me say yes...
On a more positive note I am finding my life settling into a very nice little routine. I go to school and I'm home by 3pm. I have time for everything I want and need to get done and time for a social life. The last two weekends have been awesome because I have had the chance to go out with friends and never check the clock, never feel the need to get going, or get something done at a certain time. It's wonderful! I've even had time to sleep! I stayed in bed until noon on saturday! Someone new in my life is teaching me all about spontaneity, something I really kind of suck at, but I love it. We have spent time driving from one random place to another doing completely random things, enjoying the outdoors, going for hikes and dog walks, and coffees, and dinners, and going to parks to look at the stars. This pace of life is completely different from what I am used to. I really am surprised by this entire turn of events - and I'm loving each and every moment!
Now you have it - Plan as you may - but life has a whole other agenda
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
Pretty much everyone in my life can probably recall telling me at some point or another that I need to slow down, I'm doing too much, or that I'm missing out on the small things. I love the fast paced excitement in my life, everchanging moments. Perhaps I do miss things at times but I think for the most part, I pick up on the most subtle of lifes offerings. After a tough year last year, I have had the most of uplifting start to the new year.
I was at work the other day and I was teaching an autistic man how to clean washrooms. He was very upset with me and insisted that he already knew what he was doing. I was not convinced when I saw him washing the sink with a toilet brush! As I tried to show him what to do he got more and more frustrated and I started to feel frustrated too. I really felt incompetent - everything I tried only seemed to make things worse not better. For people who are not familiar with autism, a major trait of it has to do with sensory information. Autistic people react differently to stimulation. For example, the man I was working with could not look at me and rarely spoke to me because the anxiety is just too intense. He can't work in noisy areas without feeling extremely threatened. For some people even the feel of certain fabrics is more than they can handle. The job we had on this day was at a quiet office where the owner had brought in his 10 week old puppy for a visit. While the individual I was working with was screaming away the puppy ran up to him. I was at first worried both for my client and for the puppy. Was my client afraid of animals? Would he hurt an animal when he was in this emotional state? What I saw was truly amazing. The individual immediately collapsed to the floor, picked up the puppy and started hugging it and rubbing the puppy over his face, classic example of sensory stimulation. I tried to speak with the individual but he was so engrossed in this new relationship that he didn't even know I was in the room. I have never seen him open up so much. He just sat and played and cuddled with the dog. I think I learned that day that sometimes we just need to step out of the situation, let life take its course, and enjoy the small moments. Here was this person who could not look into any human beings eyes, and yet the puppy could open him up with a single glance. Perhaps they shared the inability to tolerate loud noises, busy places, and communication, or perhaps it is something different entirely. I may never know and that's okay.
If you want to learn more read the book "Songs of a Gorilla Nation" - This book is awesome - it is written by an Autistic woman who struggled to understand the world and found her answers in a family of gorillas.
On the same day, I got a phone call from an old friend that I had met when I was 14 and he was 16. At that time we only occasionally saw each other and then kept in contact by phone and email. At the time I met him he was in a foster family and was struggling with several problems including the normal teenage angst. At that time, I knew he was an amazing person. He was a symbol of strength. When he moved to Edmonton we no longer saw each other, and slowly our phone calls and emails started to diminish. For the first time in at least two years...we talked. At first I had no idea who it was - even when he dropped little hints. Once I had guessed right, we had an amazing conversation. It seems that the conversations we had had so long ago had had a profound impact on him. I have never been hit with so much flattery in one hour. It renewed my faith in my ability to help others. And yet this phone call was bittersweet. This man who has grown up into a beautiful person who has a child and is engaged to his sweetheart, is leaving to go to Afghanistan next month. This phonecall has had a chilling turn from a lighthearted "where have you been?" to a call filled with emotion that we may not talk again, that we may not get to express how we feel about each other if we don't do it right now. We fight the urge to talk about the what if's as I promise to write letters while he is away and make plans to have coffee when he comes back. I hung up the phone feeling delighted that he called, and so moved that I had been able to be there for him so many years ago, and so sad that such a great man is putting himself in danger for something that I am so against - he argues that he is doing this so I can continue to be the out-spoken, confident, and controversial debater that I am. I want to continue arguing but I know I will never change his mind - we have grown up in very different worlds and we were lucky enough to have had them collide on these rare occasions. Most of all, this conversation didn't know how to end - was there any good way to end it - did I say too much? did I not say enough? Did I say everything I wanted to say in the event of the unimaginable? I try not to entertain these thoughts.
I was at work the other day and I was teaching an autistic man how to clean washrooms. He was very upset with me and insisted that he already knew what he was doing. I was not convinced when I saw him washing the sink with a toilet brush! As I tried to show him what to do he got more and more frustrated and I started to feel frustrated too. I really felt incompetent - everything I tried only seemed to make things worse not better. For people who are not familiar with autism, a major trait of it has to do with sensory information. Autistic people react differently to stimulation. For example, the man I was working with could not look at me and rarely spoke to me because the anxiety is just too intense. He can't work in noisy areas without feeling extremely threatened. For some people even the feel of certain fabrics is more than they can handle. The job we had on this day was at a quiet office where the owner had brought in his 10 week old puppy for a visit. While the individual I was working with was screaming away the puppy ran up to him. I was at first worried both for my client and for the puppy. Was my client afraid of animals? Would he hurt an animal when he was in this emotional state? What I saw was truly amazing. The individual immediately collapsed to the floor, picked up the puppy and started hugging it and rubbing the puppy over his face, classic example of sensory stimulation. I tried to speak with the individual but he was so engrossed in this new relationship that he didn't even know I was in the room. I have never seen him open up so much. He just sat and played and cuddled with the dog. I think I learned that day that sometimes we just need to step out of the situation, let life take its course, and enjoy the small moments. Here was this person who could not look into any human beings eyes, and yet the puppy could open him up with a single glance. Perhaps they shared the inability to tolerate loud noises, busy places, and communication, or perhaps it is something different entirely. I may never know and that's okay.
If you want to learn more read the book "Songs of a Gorilla Nation" - This book is awesome - it is written by an Autistic woman who struggled to understand the world and found her answers in a family of gorillas.
On the same day, I got a phone call from an old friend that I had met when I was 14 and he was 16. At that time we only occasionally saw each other and then kept in contact by phone and email. At the time I met him he was in a foster family and was struggling with several problems including the normal teenage angst. At that time, I knew he was an amazing person. He was a symbol of strength. When he moved to Edmonton we no longer saw each other, and slowly our phone calls and emails started to diminish. For the first time in at least two years...we talked. At first I had no idea who it was - even when he dropped little hints. Once I had guessed right, we had an amazing conversation. It seems that the conversations we had had so long ago had had a profound impact on him. I have never been hit with so much flattery in one hour. It renewed my faith in my ability to help others. And yet this phone call was bittersweet. This man who has grown up into a beautiful person who has a child and is engaged to his sweetheart, is leaving to go to Afghanistan next month. This phonecall has had a chilling turn from a lighthearted "where have you been?" to a call filled with emotion that we may not talk again, that we may not get to express how we feel about each other if we don't do it right now. We fight the urge to talk about the what if's as I promise to write letters while he is away and make plans to have coffee when he comes back. I hung up the phone feeling delighted that he called, and so moved that I had been able to be there for him so many years ago, and so sad that such a great man is putting himself in danger for something that I am so against - he argues that he is doing this so I can continue to be the out-spoken, confident, and controversial debater that I am. I want to continue arguing but I know I will never change his mind - we have grown up in very different worlds and we were lucky enough to have had them collide on these rare occasions. Most of all, this conversation didn't know how to end - was there any good way to end it - did I say too much? did I not say enough? Did I say everything I wanted to say in the event of the unimaginable? I try not to entertain these thoughts.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
This is a song by Big and Rich and the first time I heard it was at an outdoor concert late at night at MMMF. At the time there was a meteor shower and while Big and Rich were singing a shooting star just seemed to fall right behind the stage. Although I am not religious, I think this song speaks beyond religion and reaches into finding hope for better times. I post this song tonight because a young women trusted to tell me her story...and I admire her for her strength throughout these tough times.
Holy Water
Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I used to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine
Wherever she would go
But lookin' at her now, you'll never tell
Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
And I can only imagine what she's feelin' when she's prayin'
Kneelin' at the edge of her bed
[chorus]
And she says, take me away
Then take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
Like Holy Water
Holy Water
She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's lookin' through the faces and unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries
Like Holy Water
She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healin' hands of someone who understands
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Holy Water
Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I used to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine
Wherever she would go
But lookin' at her now, you'll never tell
Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
And I can only imagine what she's feelin' when she's prayin'
Kneelin' at the edge of her bed
[chorus]
And she says, take me away
Then take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
Like Holy Water
Holy Water
She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's lookin' through the faces and unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries
Like Holy Water
She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healin' hands of someone who understands
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
It's too late
you found it.
My heart
I hid it well,
but you looked in all the right places
and when you found it
you ripped it out
and called it your own.
You looked so damn innocent,
but now you stand infront of me
and i watch it in your hands,
the steady beat
of blood pulsating
and dripping through your fingers.
You hold onto it greedily
as though it is a possession
and you dare me to walk away
knowing full well
that you have captured my heart
and I cannot live without you.
you found it.
My heart
I hid it well,
but you looked in all the right places
and when you found it
you ripped it out
and called it your own.
You looked so damn innocent,
but now you stand infront of me
and i watch it in your hands,
the steady beat
of blood pulsating
and dripping through your fingers.
You hold onto it greedily
as though it is a possession
and you dare me to walk away
knowing full well
that you have captured my heart
and I cannot live without you.
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