Pretty much everyone in my life can probably recall telling me at some point or another that I need to slow down, I'm doing too much, or that I'm missing out on the small things. I love the fast paced excitement in my life, everchanging moments. Perhaps I do miss things at times but I think for the most part, I pick up on the most subtle of lifes offerings. After a tough year last year, I have had the most of uplifting start to the new year.
I was at work the other day and I was teaching an autistic man how to clean washrooms. He was very upset with me and insisted that he already knew what he was doing. I was not convinced when I saw him washing the sink with a toilet brush! As I tried to show him what to do he got more and more frustrated and I started to feel frustrated too. I really felt incompetent - everything I tried only seemed to make things worse not better. For people who are not familiar with autism, a major trait of it has to do with sensory information. Autistic people react differently to stimulation. For example, the man I was working with could not look at me and rarely spoke to me because the anxiety is just too intense. He can't work in noisy areas without feeling extremely threatened. For some people even the feel of certain fabrics is more than they can handle. The job we had on this day was at a quiet office where the owner had brought in his 10 week old puppy for a visit. While the individual I was working with was screaming away the puppy ran up to him. I was at first worried both for my client and for the puppy. Was my client afraid of animals? Would he hurt an animal when he was in this emotional state? What I saw was truly amazing. The individual immediately collapsed to the floor, picked up the puppy and started hugging it and rubbing the puppy over his face, classic example of sensory stimulation. I tried to speak with the individual but he was so engrossed in this new relationship that he didn't even know I was in the room. I have never seen him open up so much. He just sat and played and cuddled with the dog. I think I learned that day that sometimes we just need to step out of the situation, let life take its course, and enjoy the small moments. Here was this person who could not look into any human beings eyes, and yet the puppy could open him up with a single glance. Perhaps they shared the inability to tolerate loud noises, busy places, and communication, or perhaps it is something different entirely. I may never know and that's okay.
If you want to learn more read the book "Songs of a Gorilla Nation" - This book is awesome - it is written by an Autistic woman who struggled to understand the world and found her answers in a family of gorillas.
On the same day, I got a phone call from an old friend that I had met when I was 14 and he was 16. At that time we only occasionally saw each other and then kept in contact by phone and email. At the time I met him he was in a foster family and was struggling with several problems including the normal teenage angst. At that time, I knew he was an amazing person. He was a symbol of strength. When he moved to Edmonton we no longer saw each other, and slowly our phone calls and emails started to diminish. For the first time in at least two years...we talked. At first I had no idea who it was - even when he dropped little hints. Once I had guessed right, we had an amazing conversation. It seems that the conversations we had had so long ago had had a profound impact on him. I have never been hit with so much flattery in one hour. It renewed my faith in my ability to help others. And yet this phone call was bittersweet. This man who has grown up into a beautiful person who has a child and is engaged to his sweetheart, is leaving to go to Afghanistan next month. This phonecall has had a chilling turn from a lighthearted "where have you been?" to a call filled with emotion that we may not talk again, that we may not get to express how we feel about each other if we don't do it right now. We fight the urge to talk about the what if's as I promise to write letters while he is away and make plans to have coffee when he comes back. I hung up the phone feeling delighted that he called, and so moved that I had been able to be there for him so many years ago, and so sad that such a great man is putting himself in danger for something that I am so against - he argues that he is doing this so I can continue to be the out-spoken, confident, and controversial debater that I am. I want to continue arguing but I know I will never change his mind - we have grown up in very different worlds and we were lucky enough to have had them collide on these rare occasions. Most of all, this conversation didn't know how to end - was there any good way to end it - did I say too much? did I not say enough? Did I say everything I wanted to say in the event of the unimaginable? I try not to entertain these thoughts.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
This is a song by Big and Rich and the first time I heard it was at an outdoor concert late at night at MMMF. At the time there was a meteor shower and while Big and Rich were singing a shooting star just seemed to fall right behind the stage. Although I am not religious, I think this song speaks beyond religion and reaches into finding hope for better times. I post this song tonight because a young women trusted to tell me her story...and I admire her for her strength throughout these tough times.
Holy Water
Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I used to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine
Wherever she would go
But lookin' at her now, you'll never tell
Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
And I can only imagine what she's feelin' when she's prayin'
Kneelin' at the edge of her bed
[chorus]
And she says, take me away
Then take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
Like Holy Water
Holy Water
She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's lookin' through the faces and unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries
Like Holy Water
She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healin' hands of someone who understands
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Holy Water
Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I used to watch her wear it well
Everything would shine
Wherever she would go
But lookin' at her now, you'll never tell
Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
And I can only imagine what she's feelin' when she's prayin'
Kneelin' at the edge of her bed
[chorus]
And she says, take me away
Then take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me
Like Holy Water
Holy Water
She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's lookin' through the faces and unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries
Like Holy Water
She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healin' hands of someone who understands
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Like holy water
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
It's too late
you found it.
My heart
I hid it well,
but you looked in all the right places
and when you found it
you ripped it out
and called it your own.
You looked so damn innocent,
but now you stand infront of me
and i watch it in your hands,
the steady beat
of blood pulsating
and dripping through your fingers.
You hold onto it greedily
as though it is a possession
and you dare me to walk away
knowing full well
that you have captured my heart
and I cannot live without you.
you found it.
My heart
I hid it well,
but you looked in all the right places
and when you found it
you ripped it out
and called it your own.
You looked so damn innocent,
but now you stand infront of me
and i watch it in your hands,
the steady beat
of blood pulsating
and dripping through your fingers.
You hold onto it greedily
as though it is a possession
and you dare me to walk away
knowing full well
that you have captured my heart
and I cannot live without you.
Be faithful to your dreams
I wrote this a few years ago when I was travelling. It was early morning and the sun was coming up. I was waiting for a friend and watching the other bar flies and I kept reading a neon sign that I had seen so many times...and came up with this...not quite me...but it got me thinking...
On a hard wood bar stool
slouched over the counter
I feel so tired
my head drooping
my hand on the cold highball glass
infront of me.
I'm not the only one
there are other people
that have been here for years too
drowning their own sorrows.
The lights are dim
and the smell of cigar smoke strong
a cigarrette slowly dies beside me
I see the looks people give me
they think I'm pathetic
but these are my only friends.
The old lonely guy in the corner
he's been here since the place opened
he understands.
The three-toothed drunk
gives me that look,
but he knows the truth
I have always been untouchable.
And the bartender,
he used to be cute
but this place has affected him too
the tales show on his aging face.
The night fades away to the dawn
and the neon light above our heads
dims and flickers and surrenders.
The sign has been here for years.
It has a message for us,
in all its tacky glow
it reads "be faithful to your dreams."
I've read that sign every night for years
and it's finally kicking in.
It's telling the old lonely guy,
the three-tooted drunk,
the aged bartender,
and myself,
"Go Home."
The day is done, the night is over.
But we will be back tomorrow,
because we don't know what else to do.
We've lost our way,
and can't find our way back.
Sure we remember those old flames.
We remember reaching for the stars,
but we fell so many times,
we fell so hard,
and we landed here
and we haven't left since.
As we leave the old bar,
I read the sign once more,
"be faithful to your dreams"
and as always
I hug my friends good-bye
but tonight it is different,
for tomorrow,
I will not return.
On a hard wood bar stool
slouched over the counter
I feel so tired
my head drooping
my hand on the cold highball glass
infront of me.
I'm not the only one
there are other people
that have been here for years too
drowning their own sorrows.
The lights are dim
and the smell of cigar smoke strong
a cigarrette slowly dies beside me
I see the looks people give me
they think I'm pathetic
but these are my only friends.
The old lonely guy in the corner
he's been here since the place opened
he understands.
The three-toothed drunk
gives me that look,
but he knows the truth
I have always been untouchable.
And the bartender,
he used to be cute
but this place has affected him too
the tales show on his aging face.
The night fades away to the dawn
and the neon light above our heads
dims and flickers and surrenders.
The sign has been here for years.
It has a message for us,
in all its tacky glow
it reads "be faithful to your dreams."
I've read that sign every night for years
and it's finally kicking in.
It's telling the old lonely guy,
the three-tooted drunk,
the aged bartender,
and myself,
"Go Home."
The day is done, the night is over.
But we will be back tomorrow,
because we don't know what else to do.
We've lost our way,
and can't find our way back.
Sure we remember those old flames.
We remember reaching for the stars,
but we fell so many times,
we fell so hard,
and we landed here
and we haven't left since.
As we leave the old bar,
I read the sign once more,
"be faithful to your dreams"
and as always
I hug my friends good-bye
but tonight it is different,
for tomorrow,
I will not return.
The first of my posts
I've decided to start up a blog of random ideas, thoughts, poems and songs. Some postings will be stuff that I created while other stuff will be quotes, poems, and songs that I come across and find meaningful, helpful or thought provoking in some way. Feel free to read, comment, and create something of your own and I will post it. Enjoy!
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